Retooling for 2018: A Comprehensive Plan

Look, we’re not surprised by this outcome, right? I’m thankful as all hell that they didn’t get swept, but the 2017 Cubs were not as good as the 2017 Dodgers. It happens.

How do Theo and his merry band of suits make sure it doesn’t happen again in 2018? Let’s walk through how, from the big to the small.

1. Prioritize Athleticism

The Cubs were outclasses in the field and on the bases all postseason long. It’s an era where waiting for Earl Weaver’s three run homer is as easy as ever, but this Cubs defense has provided other teams with a handful of three-run pop flies in crucial situations. Finding another player to roam the outfield and make dazzling plays, even at the expense of keeping Schwarber’s bat in the lineup, will help a staff that is ever more reliant on good defense behind them. These types of players are great in any environment, can be great under varying levels of pressure, and can really go dominate out in space.

2. Find Another Starting Pitcher

This is, admittedly, not going to be easy. There’s simply not many great options out there, and the top level guys are the type of big stars, big egos, unintelligent guys that I don’t think will fit well on this project. Instead, the Cubs may be well served picking up a few veterans on smaller contracts. Guys who hit targets with pinpoint precision, who understand the science of objects in motion, would fit in well with Kyle and the gang. If you have to trade a Kyle Schwarber or Ian Happ to make this happen, well, it just fulfills item 1 as well.

3. Get Back To Your Midwestern Roots…

In a city built on the back of industry, its time this team got into the business of heavy manufacturing to remind them what real grit and determination can look like. Buy some old factories! Buy some new factories! Talk with those that have walked the floor since they were 18. Make some steel, some high-tech carbon fiber alloys, space age computers, solid rocket fuel, solar panels, nuclear reactors, you name it! The experiences and products produced this winter are crucial for the upcoming fight.

4. …and Also Send the Front Office on a Weekend Retreat with Elon Musk

Once you’ve got your team humming along and producing what you need without arising suspicion from [nerd voice] the Brewers or [southerner voice] the Cardinals, it’s time to look to the future. It’s all about innovation nowadays, and getting one of the best front offices in baseball in front of space age tycoon Elon Musk would really kick-start this project into a higher gear. There isn’t much he could teach about rocketry, space flight, and global domination that wouldn’t help this club.

5. Acquire Laser Arms to Close

The most powerful lasers on the planet are up to 2,000 trillion watts, and would be an absolutely perfect centerpiece to bring everything together. Bringing in laser ammunition like this, on a scale that could wipe out Los Angeles, is the piece de resistance. The bullpen this year stunk out loud, but bringing in some heavy weapons like this changes everything. It gets everyone on the same page, makes clear the deadly serious task they are about to undertake, and elevates everyone to a new height. With everyone as high as they’ve ever been, everyone set in their roles, everyone ready to lay waste to the puny contenders below, it’s time.

6. Complete the Project, Dominate MLB

Just don’t let Joe Maddon sit at the control panel.

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